I’ve been dating my partner Nick for three years now approaching four. I was very friendly with his family before this incident. I believe we were very close because I was invited to spend the holidays with them and we exchanged birthday presents. Nick’s family takes a vacation every year and this summer we went somewhere I’ve been dying to see. I asked his mother, who organized the holiday if I could go and if I could cover my own expenses. I wasn’t family yet, so I apologized, but this was a family trip, she explained. When I told Nick this, he replied that no one significant other had been invited, so I wasn’t the only one left out. Although I was still angry, I forgot about it. Now that autumn has arrived, the temperature is dropping. I decided to commemorate the cold weather by making my family chili recipe for Nick’s family. I made sure they had plenty of chilies to go home because Nick and his family loved it. Nick’s mom asked if I could give her the recipe so she could cook it at work before she left. Sorry, but this is a family recipe that is kept under wraps. Have we thought of us as a family yet? she asked. I replied that according to you we are not. Then she said, “Oh, okay,” and left.

When everyone left, Nick accused me of being unkind. I told him he couldn’t decide when we would be a family; it was his mother who first claimed I wasn’t. He claimed I was petty and that it was a completely different circumstance. He then left and didn’t speak to me for several days. I don’t see how I’m at fault here. His mother can refuse me something because we are not related, but if I comply with him, am I at fault? She gave a status report. I spoke to Nick’s mother. After all, we’ve been through it. When I heard her declare, “I’m not family,” I expressed how hurt I was. The fact that she only considered me family when she needed something from me only made my feelings worse. His mother expressed regret, stating that she never intended for it to appear that way. She tried to imply that the trip was a formal welcome gift or wedding reward. Along with his apology, Nick said he had no idea what his mother had told me. He mistook her statement that I couldn’t attend because she refused that I wasn’t family. He recognized that the rational half of his brain was overwhelmed by seeing his mother sad, so he didn’t stop thinking and immediately reacted angrily. Nick and his mother seem wary around me, even though we’ve talked about it; I’m not sure it’s better than being given the cold shoulder though. She got a lot of encouragement and support from the Reddit community. “It’s unimaginable to find out after four years of dating that they don’t consider you family.” After three months of our dating, my husband’s mother invited me into their family for the first time! I would reconsider my status not only in the eyes of his family but also in his own if he treated me like this even during the years of our relationship and my husband was fine. How they see you is more important than a meal or a trip.